Do you sit there and think about what you should be doing but, for the life of you, cannot get yourself to do it? Do you want to figure out why, and hopefully drag yourself out of that hole?

First and foremost, I’m not going to promise that what I say in this post will solve all of your troubles.

It won’t.

If it did, I also wouldn’t struggle with thoughts of, ‘I know I should but I can’t’.

In addition, that phrase holds a huge amount of weight that most don’t see or feel. I’m going to skim the weighty bits today.

I do also want to mention again that anxiety and ADHD/ASD/neurodiversity can overlap here. As always, this post is angled from an anxiety point-of-view only. Neurodiversity is well beyond my realms and should be investigated with your GP.

Addressing the “Whys” Behind ‘I Should, But I Can’t’

**Possible trigger warning here**

I’m going to talk about the ‘whys’ around us thinking that ‘I should, but I can’t’. This may involve some topics you might find a bit difficult to address/read through.

If you’re not ready to delve here yet, feel free to skip to the subheading called, ‘How to move yourself forward’. It should be a bit lighter on the brain and emotions.

Okay, now we have that out of the way, let’s look at why you know ‘you should, but you can’t’.

Freeze response

You’ve probably heard of the fight-or-flight response.

It can be described as:

The “fight-or-flight” response is your body’s automatic alarm system. When your brain senses a threat, even a social one, like feeling judged or watched, it activates the nervous system that prepares the body to either fight, run away or freeze. (Social Anxiety Alliance UK, 2021)

It might look something like this:

The freeze response is another aspect of your body responding to stress, just like the fight-or-flight readiness. Harvard Medical School (via Harvard Health) has a really good, in-depth article if you want to read more about this.

When you find yourself frozen and unable to do the thing you want/need to, this could be as a result of your brain being in fight/flight/freeze mode.

No matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get yourself to do the thing you want to do.

The ‘freeze mode’ you find yourself in could be for a few reasons:

• Your brain may be trying to assess and gather information on a current perceived threat/issue
• Feeling rooted to the spot is a survival instinct that allows us feel that we are unseen, thus avoiding danger or stress (of course, completely useless in modern life)
• It might be a protective response or pause, and could be classed as ‘functional freeze’ (Dr. Richard Purcell, Carescribe, 2026)

This East Sussex Healthcare NHS Trust (Dr. Jim White, 2014) might be useful to you if you fancy a read:

I highly recommend reading through the links I’ve shared. This’ll help you figure out the ‘why’ around your freeze response. Ultimately, knowing how you respond to situations will help you navigate them in future. More on that later.

*Quick side note*

There might be mention of the ‘Invisible Wall’ when reading about the freeze mode I mentioned above. This specifically refers to an ADHD/neurodivergence overlap that should be noted.

Negative self-talk

Most of us remember criticism, negative feedback (read also: constructive) no matter now it’s worded, or the perpetual push to improve ourselves.

Rarely do we remember all of the positive things we do, unless it’s shoved right in our face (for me, anyway 😅). We do good things, all of the time, yet we seldom acknowledge them.

So, negative self-talk can come almost naturally to some of us.

However, thinking negatively or being too harsh on ourselves might create the freeze mode in our brain, thus triggering a stress response.

As you know, that ain’t good!

If you want to, you can read more here: Rewiring: The neuroscience of overcoming negative self-talk (N. Bailey, 2023).

How to move yourself forward

Now that we’ve talked about all of the reasons why you feel like you should, but you can’t, let’s see how to move yourself forward.

Whatever you ‘should’ be doing: re-frame the language

Firstly, you really need to change the word ‘should’ to more friendly and compassionate language. Can you rephrase that ‘should’ to something like:

• I could
• I choose to
• Maybe I…
• How about…

If you think about it, you wouldn’t demand your friends or family to do things, or tell them they should do this/that, would you?

So, speak to yourself like you would to your friends or family.

Be kind to yourself.

Challenge yourself to do the job during another task

Okay, I do need to be careful here as sometimes this may cause extra pressure when you definitely don’t need it.

Anxious folk needn’t have more heart-attack-inducing stuff.

However, challenging yourself or making a game out of a task can add fun into mundane jobs.

I like to set the dishwasher or washing machine going and rush to get as much done as possible before it finishes.

Ask a friend or family to help

Sometimes, knowing that someone might be popping round sends me into a panic and I frantically clean like my life depends on it.

Or, if I need to do a miniscule admin job, having someone next to me forces me to do it.

It might even just be a message telling me to get my arse in gear.

As much as you might not want to, enlisting friends or family can and will help!

What to Do When You Still Can’t

First off, remember that you’re not broken, useless, stupid, etc. etc.

Secondly…

It’s full ceasefire.

Ceasefire – ceasefire – ceasefire.

If you still can’t get moving, close that tab and pause. In fact, don’t just pause, stop.

Initiate a full ceasefire now.

You know… It’s totally okay to stop and come back to the thing later.

Try to let go of the guilt you’re probably feeling right now – no-one is going to die if you didn’t do that thing.

Trust me.

Things you need to remember:

• You’re not a failure
• You’re not being lazy
• Your brain needs a reset
• Taking a pause is okay
• No-one is going to die

In conclusion

As you’ve probably realised by now, the phrase, ‘I Should, But I Can’t’ is a loaded title that involves lots of picking apart. Hopefully, I’ve picked apart the anxiety parts and helped even just a little bit.

Feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts!

Much love,

Jess

Xoxo